Why a New Wardrobe Won't Fix This

You see a photo of yourself, and your stomach drops. It's not about your body, even though that's where your brain goes first. It's something harder to name than that. It's the sneaking feeling that the person in that photo has absolutely nothing to do with who you actually are anymore.

So you do what makes sense. You go shopping. Maybe you find a stylist, try a subscription box, or follow someone whose style you love. Your closet fills up, and somehow you still feel exactly the same. That's not a you problem. That's a strategy problem.

In this episode of The Visibility Shift, I'm getting into why seeing yourself in a photo can send you into a full spiral, why shopping keeps failing to fix it, and what it actually takes to feel like yourself again when you look in the mirror.

2:43 – Why photos trigger such a strong reaction from you

6:06 – The “fix” most people reach for that creates more noise instead of clarity

8:19 - The importance of giving yourself some grace

10:31 – How external solutions can quietly reinforce internal disconnect

12:36 – Misalignment as the real problem and how to solve it

20:22 – Why you can’t skip the real work (even though most people try) 

Mentioned In Why a New Wardrobe Won't Fix This

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Chapters

• 2:43 Why photos trigger such a strong reaction from you
• 6:06 The “fix” most people reach for that creates more noise instead of clarity
• 8:19 The importance of giving yourself some grace
• 10:31 How external solutions can quietly reinforce internal disconnect
• 12:36 Misalignment as the real problem and how to solve it
• 20:22 Why you can’t skip the real work (even though most people try)

Transcript

Welcome to The Visibility Shift, the podcast where style becomes your most powerful strategy for being seen, standing out, and leading boldly. I'm Ellie Steinbrink, stylist and personal brand coach, and if you've ever thought, "My style just isn't working anymore," take this as your sign. You're ready for your next level. And instead of launching into a panicked shopping spree, what you really need is a strategy. A style strategy that reflects where you're headed, not who you used to be or who you think you need to be to fit in.

Because when your style aligns with your brand and your vision, everything shifts. You lead with more presence, you attract the right opportunities and clients, and you fully step into the woman you're becoming. Because showing up as yourself, that's the most strategic thing you can do. Now let's get visible.

Welcome back to another episode of The Visibility Shift. Today I want to talk about something I know almost every woman listening can relate to. The moment you see a photo of yourself and you feel completely triggered.

Usually, it's a professional photo. When my clients tell me about this, it's like there was a photo of me taken on stage or maybe just in a group of people at a networking event, maybe you were tagged on LinkedIn. In that moment, when you see that photo, it's immediate panic.

You see the photo and think, "Oh no." Something feels really off. Something feels like it has truly gone wrong.

Today, I want to walk you through what's actually happening in that moment. Because I think most of us think the discomfort we feel when we feel triggered in seeing a photo is something around our body or body image. But what I'm seeing time and time again with the women I'm working with and talking with is that it's actually something totally different and much deeper.

What I'm going to talk about today is why photos of ourselves are so triggering, what our knee-jerk reaction usually is in these moments, and honestly, why it's not very helpful and what you can actually do instead if you want to move the needle toward making a change. I want to be really honest about this up front. The way most of us have been trying to fix our style problems is actually chasing the wrong problem altogether.

You can bet I'm going to get into this too. Okay, why is it that when we see photos of ourselves, they can be so triggering? Again, I want to state that oftentimes when we talk about being triggered by seeing a photo, there's this assumption that what we see we don't like in terms of our body.

I get it because this has absolutely been an issue for me in the past, and it still sometimes is now because the fact that our bodies are changing and many of the clients I work with, we're all in this midlife where changing bodies is absolutely a part of our conversation and dealing with this and working with it and learning how to manage it, it's work that never really ends.

But this is not actually what's driving the panic. I feel like we're all like, "Yes, we get it. Our bodies are changing." Maybe it's ideal or less than ideal at any given time.

But what's actually causing the panic is something totally different. In fact, just this past month, I've been batching some client interviews for the podcast. Between those conversations with my clients and being on discovery calls and talking with other women, there is a very clear pattern.

The comments I hear when someone sees a photo of themselves are not, "My body looks awful." That's not it. It sounds something more like this: "Wow, I'm really kind of phoning it in," or "This outfit is bland and boring. I don't see myself this way," or "It looks like I put zero effort into this. I look tired," or even "My outfit looks exactly like how I feel, exhausted, rushed, last minute."

What they're really saying beneath all of these comments is, "This is not how I see myself at all." When I think about who I've become as a leader, who I've become on this entrepreneurial journey or as a business owner or as a leader in my company, this is not how I see myself.

But now when I see this photo, it's painfully obvious that how I feel on the inside doesn't align with what is happening on the outside. So here's what's really going on. You're feeling a disconnect when you see that photo and you feel triggered, you're feeling a disconnect between who you believe yourself to be, how dynamic you've become, how much you've grown as a leader, how confident you've become on your journey, how you've learned to trust yourself, all these things. It's a disconnect with how you're actually presenting on the outside.

Then I feel like we have this realization, but the panic intensifies because now it's not just like I see this as a problem that is blaring and you can't ignore it. But now it becomes, "Is this how other people see me?" "I don't feel like this is me at all." "Is this the version of me I think I'm showing, but it's just in my head, but it's not actually coming through?"

Then there are just layers of frustration that happen at this point. It's like, "Oh my gosh, I realize there's a problem." "Oh my gosh, is this how other people are seeing me?" "How did I allow myself to get to this point?" It feels like I've just been phoning it in. Now I feel like a failure. Now I feel guilty. Is any of this familiar?

I can say all this because I've heard it from clients and because I've felt it myself. As if all of this isn't enough, there's yet another wave of panic that hits, which is, "How do I fix this?" Because now you realize you can't ignore this disconnect anymore.

For a lot of women, this moment is even more overwhelming than realizing there's a disconnect in the first place. Because when we think about, "How do we fix this?" it involves shopping.

I can tell you, whether you are someone who has once enjoyed shopping or you never have loved it, this is definitely not fun for women. In fact, some women I meet downright dread it.

Maybe there was a point in your life where shopping and working on your style felt fun. It felt like you were on top of it. But I feel like there's a point in this midlife where either you never really loved it and now you dread it even more because it's become harder, or you loved it and now the busyness of life has taken all the fun out of it.

Then there are other layers of like, "Shouldn't I be better at this?" "How have I not figured out how to dress myself at this point?" There's a surprising amount of shame wrapped up in this, which is a whole other topic of a podcast episode.

But I think whatever side you're on of, "I think I can dress myself pretty well," or "I feel like I have the skill set," or whether you're saying, "I don't have the skill set," there are so many complications and complexities and things to do through in this process of shopping.

It's like, "Where do you shop?" Sometimes the chaos of online ordering and returns. There's, "How do I put this all together?" There's, "Which brands feel aligned with me?" Because as we know, brands that you once liked have changed, or maybe they've gone away, or they were once really into professional attire and now they've gotten really relaxed. It's exhausting.

Not only are we trying to solve a very complex problem here with a lot of layers, as I've just described, there's a lot of pressure because you want this next version to actually work. You want to stop running around in circles. You just want to solve this problem once and for all. "Am I right?"

I just want to stop for a second and take a moment to address how we actually got here. Because this part really matters and I don't want you to be in a cycle of blaming yourself like, "How did I really let this go on for so long?"

Because as I mentioned, when you see that photo and one of those layers of panic was like, "Dang, how many years have I just been phoning it in?" that can really turn into guilt. It can turn into shame. It can turn into feeling like you dropped the ball.

But this is where I want to ask you to give yourself some grace. Because if you're a business owner, an entrepreneur, a leader, you are managing a lot. While I know you're fully aware that you need to show up and look good, most women I work with are highly visible.

This is not brain science. Of course, we know we need to show up and look good. It's just so easy in the realities of life to let style slide down our priority list.

The ways in which we've been solving it to date have gotten us by. We just look around us and see what everybody else is wearing. We just follow suit.

We just buy what a stylist at a retail store tells us to buy or what's on trend. We just ask our friends, "Where do you get your stuff?" and then we go get that. Or we might even let other people dress us, like a subscription box. It feels easy.

Honestly, for a while, this works. It just checks the box. Okay, it solves the problem of getting dressed.

But eventually, it starts to feel like it's lacking. There's this little nagging voice in your head that says, "I wish this could be better." But we shove that to the side because, obviously, there are tons of things to do and tons of things to be thinking about and managing. "I'll just keep doing what I'm doing because it works for now."

Then of course we see this photo and boom, between all these nagging feelings that we've been shoving aside and now having a very visual representation in front of us, we cannot ignore it.

What do we usually do from here? I want to talk about this because I see so many similar patterns in women who tell me about this experience and then what they actually do next.

Because when they become aware, of course we want to take action. We want to do something about it.

So this is what I hear women do. "I go to Nordstrom or one of the big retailers and I work with a stylist there." "I'll sign up for a subscription box like M.M. LaFleur or one of the other more professional subscription boxes and it'll help me shop." "I started following a style blogger that maybe has a similar vibe or maybe they're a little bit more professional or maybe they have a similar body type as me and then I just order whatever they're buying."

"Maybe I find a brand that I really like and I literally just buy everything that they come out with and I wear it the way the models are wearing it or the way it's displayed in the storefronts." Or maybe you even hire a personal shopper because we're really craving to make it easier, right?

All along the way, you're investing your time, your money, your energy, and you're like, "Okay, this feels good." Your closet starts filling up with new clothes. You might actually, through these various different avenues that I just described, find some pieces you really love.

You're like, "Oh, okay, there's a couple pieces here and there." But overall, you're watching your closet fill up, yet somehow you still feel like you're in the same place as you were before you started.

You're just like, "Why? I thought this was going to help." "Why do I still feel ultimately dissatisfied?" "Why do I still feel when I walk into my closet I still can't put on the thing that makes me feel great, that makes me feel fully in my body?" "Why is this whole thing not easier?"

That frustration really hits hard because you're like, "I tried something and it didn't work." Well, this is why it's not working. I want you to just pause and really hear me right now because this is the key distinction I want you to let sink in today.

You think your problem to solve is shopping, okay? But shopping is surface-level. It's tactical. What we're really trying to solve here is misalignment.

You cannot solve misalignment with more clothes or more shopping. So do you see how we're, based on what we think the problem is, running ourselves ragged trying to solve the wrong problem? Okay, so what actually works?

I talked about how our problem to solve is actually misalignment. Having alignment, inside and out alignment, requires first understanding the core of who you are and letting that then drive your decisions. It's very similar. It reminds me of doing values work.

Have you ever worked with a coach who wanted you to start with doing values work? And you think, "Of course I know my values. This is so rudimentary. Do we really need to be spending our time here? Of course I know my values." But then you realize through the course of working with that coach that when you're making decisions or making commitments in your life, why do you still feel frustrated and resentful? And they're like, well, that's because you're not operating from your values. You're not operating from that core.

So it's the same thing with clothes. When you shop without alignment, without understanding the core of who you are or where you're going or what you want for your life, you might choose things that technically work for your body. If you're working with a stylist at Nordstrom or having a subscription box, they're going to be thinking about what clothes work with your body. They might even be helping you with coloring.

Or you might just fit the bill of looking like how you're supposed to look in whatever industry that you're in. But still, these clothes aren't fully aligning with who you want to be. They're not representing who you want to be, so of course it's never really going to fully click into place. It's always going to feel slightly performative because you're checking the box, and it will most definitely feel a little hollow.

Let's talk about what it really takes to get alignment. This is like doing the values work with a coach, all right? But what is it? What does this take? I know you're curious. You're like, "Give me something here to work with."

Okay, if it's not to go run out and shop, what is it? First, we need to get clear on your style vision. And that sounds very like, okay, we're just going to go create some vision boards. We're going to create some Pinterest boards.

But the key here, when you're creating and getting clear on your style vision, is to make sure it's self-led, not others-led. Because honestly, for most of our lives, the way we've been operating in terms of what is the vision we have for our style, it's based on what others have told us it should look like. It's based on, does it look good? Will it get us praise? Will it get me ahead? Is it dress for success? There's a lot of shoulds there.

When you're developing a vision that is really rooted in yourself, we're not trying to check external boxes. We're not trying to check the box of, is this going to present me in a certain way that's going to get me what I want? Is it going to get me praise? Is it going to get me credibility?

It's actually figuring out, who am I, and how can I find a style that feels in alignment with who I am so it's not performative? That is a really, really big distinction. It's something I really have to work with my clients on when we're setting a style vision because all of these other shoulds come into play of, well, I have a vision because I want to look a certain way because it's going to make me fit in or because this is going to make me look relevant or it's going to make me look credible.

No, no, no. We got to put that to the side. We want to create a vision that is actually rooted in a reflection of who you are.

The second big thing, and I alluded to it a little bit, is throughout this process of kind of rooting yourself, again, you have to be aware of what rules you're following and what expectations you've been operating under. I talk about this at length on this podcast. So if you've been here a while, you know this is going to sound familiar.

But for those of you who are new, what this sounds like is dressing to fit a norm or dressing in the same way because everyone in your industry dresses in a certain way or everyone in your work environment has a certain look. Or following rules of, well, if you're 40 or if you're 50 or if you're a mom, then there's a whole set of rules to follow.

Of course, there are rules in a professional world. Sometimes we're very aware of these rules, like simple rules, dumb rules, like no wearing white after Labor Day. There are dumb rules like that.

But then there are other rules that we've embodied from very young ages, like it's not okay for you to dress in this way. It's not okay for women in our family to show up looking this way. It's not okay to make waves. You got to stay humble.

Literally every aspect of our lives, whether it's our families, our culture, our work environments, there are tons of rules that we're following. Those rules are quietly forming and guiding our decisions about what we decide to buy and what we decide to put on our bodies. Until we look at those and get clear on what is actually driving our decisions, we can never make a change.

So we have to, one, become aware of what are all these rules that are driving my decisions, and two, which ones am I deciding intentionally that I'm not going to keep holding on to because they're not serving me in the way I want to move forward? That's huge. That is actually one of the most transformative parts when I work with clients, is understanding that one single piece.

There's a third aspect of developing that core element of alignment, and it gets into a little bit of the nitty-gritty, but it's just simply understanding your body. Which is basically getting your measurements, learning how to find balance and proportion, how to find silhouettes that naturally work with your body versus against it.

In my experience, not many women have been taught how to do this. So we end up falling into the trap of wearing things that are not great for us or wearing trends that were never made to work for our body types or having no clue how to navigate getting dressed when our bodies are changing. Hello, perimenopause.

Of course, we are going to be frustrated. These are important guardrails that we need in order to become better at dressing our bodies. It works so flawlessly with these other two things I've described.

When you put these three things together that I just talked about, your style vision, understanding the rules you've been operating under and becoming aware of where you want to keep those rules and where you want to drop them, and really just understanding how to dress your unique body type without having to change it, when you can get those three down and name them with clarity and really understand them, that is where you're going to find your alignment.

Now, I just want to say this work takes time. It's not a very popular opinion, especially for the women that come to me and say, "I got to get dressed for an event next week." I'm like, that's fine. There are other stylists out there that can help you with just getting dressed.

I'm not interested in just getting dressed. I know, again, this is what we think our problem is. "I just need to get dressed." But that is really not what we're solving for here if we want this actually to change.

I am not here for just a clothing change. I'm here for a lasting transformation. I'm here to help you find that alignment, an alignment that sticks.

You really just can't get around finding alignment without digging through these elements I just talked about first. I'm just going to say and be totally honest that others are going to try to sell you this outcome of alignment, this outcome of discovering who you are, this outcome of confidence, but are not actually going to take you through the necessary work to actually solve for that outcome.

I get it. It's tempting to jump on that bandwagon because don't we all just want a quick fix? We do want those outcomes. But I'm here to tell you, you have to go through the work if you truly want to get it.

If we try to skip it, nothing will ever truly change for you. Well, it might actually work for a little while, but eventually it's going to fall short and it will feel hollow.

So as we wrap up today, here's what I want to leave you with. If shopping was going to solve this problem, it already would have. You're not stuck because you haven't found the right blazer or the right brand or the right subscription box or the right stylist to follow or the right store.

You're stuck because you've been trying to solve an identity-level problem with a tactical solution. No wonder it feels exhausting.

Alignment takes honesty before we can take action. It takes clarity before we start shopping for the clothes. I hope one of the things you're realizing is true is that true change doesn't happen in the sexy makeovers we see online or on shows.

It happens over time. It happens when we get energetically aligned, when we get honest, when we get clear. That is truly how to make the change last.

This is how you will feel peace when you see yourself in a photo. If this is a change you're craving, if you're listening today and you're tired of chasing avenues that lead to a less satisfactory outcome, I'd love to invite you into my world.

If you feel like you want to take an intentional step forward, my Standout Style Kickstarter program, which is my signature one-to-one service, is a great place to start. It's where you're going to get that alignment that you have been craving.

So if that's something you're interested in, I'm actively taking clients for the service. You can learn more in the show notes or you can set up a discovery call so we can chat about if it's the right fit for you.

I hope you felt seen today and encouraged that you can now see your problem more clearly. I hope the next time you see a photo of yourself and feel that panic rising, you can now understand why it's happening and give yourself grace that nothing is wrong. In fact, it's actually a sign that you've just grown, and that's actually something to celebrate. With that, I will see you in the next episode.

Thanks for joining me on The Visibility Shift. If something in today's episode made you pause, rethink, or gave you permission to stop playing small, it would mean so much to me if you'd leave a review at ratethispodcast.com/visibilityshift. Let's make it visible.